This is What Miscarriage Looks Like…

Me and Jim have some hard news to share. We originally did not think we were going to post something so personal - but while going through this experience, I feel it’s important to share our story and hopefully help other people going through this same emotional roller coaster. It’s sad, it’s frustrating, it’s scary, and quite frankly it is ROUGH.  

Here is our story -

We surprisingly found out we were expecting over the Fourth of July, our favorite holiday and our favorite week with our favorite people. Naturally, it felt exciting because it was an awesome time. Nonetheless, we were shocked and terrified because our youngest is five. Quite the age gap when you have three kids in 26 months.

Fast forward: On Friday, September 24, 2021, when I was 16 weeks pregnant, we found out we were having our fourth boy. We were excited and not at all surprised haha. We knew it was another boy by my symptoms and how I felt. 

September 24 is my moms birthday, and September 23 is my dads birthday. That said, we thought it would be fun to do a gender reveal with cupcakes on my parents birthdays. My friend Carter put together the most thoughtful gender reveal package - with all the adorable decor, treats, and trinkets. It was so special, and so fun. 

My friend Mackey gave the boys these shirts - “oldest” for the twins, “middle” (changed from “youngest”) for Cal, and a new baby onesie that said “youngest”.  

After we had birthday presents and a scavenger hunt for my parents birthdays, we had dinner. Once dinner was over, we all went around the room and chose a cupcake to open. Luckily, the birthday girl (my Mom) chose the winning cupcake and she happily displayed the bright BLUE frosting inside. We all pretty much knew it was a boy anyway, but it was funny to witness it together and celebrate. My mom quickly brought in a bright blue balloon and we celebrated the happy occasion. 

Fast forward two weeks, I went in for a very routine prenatal appt. In fact, I actually called the office on my way in and asked how long the appt would be - because I had to pick up my boys from school. 

They said I would be in and out - very quick appt. I went in, waited a few minutes in the waiting room and was then called back to one of the exam rooms. They did a quick weight and blood pressure check. And then I met with the NP. She asked what number baby this was, I responded with “four” and she asked how I was feeling. We talked about my nausea, about how typical it was for me - especially boy pregnancies - and she offered some suggestions as to what I could possibly take to help. After we chatted, she used the Doppler to listen to the heartbeat. She tried to find it, and couldn’t. Mind you, my belly is pretty big and this is my fourth kid. So I didn’t even flinch at this point. 

I have had placenta anterior in the past, which blocks most of the baby movement and sometimes the heartbeat.  She brought in a second nurse to find it. She couldn’t find it either. She said my scar tissue from my c-section could likely be blocking it. Basically they were reassuring me that everything was fine. I was kind of starting to worry a tiny bit, but not really to be honest. They walked me down to an ultrasound room to make sure everything was okay. 

I laid back on the table. Again, not thinking about it. It was all so routine and normal. I placed my hands behind my head and stared up at the ceiling. I had done this 100 times. I just happened to glance down for a second and peeked at the screen. I saw the baby. He looked big. He looked perfect. He had the most perfect profile face. But honestly, he looked still. He wasn’t really moving or wiggling. He was quite still. I saw her click on the cardiac area where the heartbeat rhythm is displayed. I didn’t see or hear anything but again, I didn’t think much of it. I mean, nothing was wrong with me physically. My belly was growing just fine. I wasn’t bleeding. The NIPT test and ALL the tests came back great. I didn’t have one ounce of worry. I was 18 weeks! Why would anything be wrong???   

She paused, put her hand on my right thigh, looked at me and said “I am soooo sorry”.  I just shook my head up and down and said “ok”. I repeated myself and said “Ok” again. I don’t remember much after that - like what I said vs what she said.  I do know at one point she said something like “this happens when the baby isn’t healthy, it isn’t your fault” etc. I remember saying that I was immediately sad for my kids. I cried and cried and said my kids were going to be soooo disappointed. I felt like I let them down. The boys were SO invested in this baby. They watched the results of the pregnancy test first hand.  They still talk about those “two lines” on the positive pregnancy test. They knew first - before anyone else. They looked at the baby app on my phone almost daily, they monitored the baby fruit size each week, they were adding to the list of baby names (“Christmas Pumpkin” was a high contender. Another C name of course…).  

We had talked about where the baby was going to sleep and what we would do when the baby cried and what we would do to play with the baby. We said we would feed it, change it, pat it, etc. Cal said he was going to teach the baby how to run fast and how to play games. The boys were SO invested in this baby. Basically all these memories and thoughts came over me at once. I was shaking — no — convulsing on the ultrasound table. The amount of emotions I was feeling was absolutely insane. I felt tremendous confusion and disbelief.  

I then had the “immediate” reaction (I say immediate but it was likely 40 min later) to call Jim. I pulled out my phone, clicked his name and then clicked “speaker”. I don’t know why. But I did. He said “hello”?”  I froze. I couldn’t respond. I had no words, no voice. I handed the phone to the girl who did the ultrasound. She asked me quietly “what’s his name???”  I said “Jim”.   She said “hi Jim, I’m here with your wife…”. He responded with “oh no”.   I don’t remember what was said next. I think she told him the news. I asked Jim the other day and he doesn’t remember. Neither of us remember. I do remember him saying that he was on his way.  

After they hung up, she said I turned ghostly white and that’s why she grabbed the phone from me. After a few more minutes, she turned off the screen, and she suggested I walk down to the room I was originally in to meet with the doctor and hear about what we should do next.  I remember the NP walking me down the hallway, her arm over my shoulder, holding me up, so I wouldn’t collapse. 

She brought me back to the room where they tried the Doppler. Jim appeared right around that time. We basically walked back into the room together and we waited for the doctor. We were confused. We didn’t understand what went wrong, or when, or most importantly why. 

The doctor asked how we were doing and she explained our options briefly. This was tough for me because I was completely in shock and didn’t comprehend much information at this point. I relied mostly on Jim, but he was probably equally in shock and also disbelief because he didn’t go through the last 30-45 minutes like I had. I remember him asking if it was definite. If I were him, I would’ve wanted to see the ultrasound myself. But I don’t know, is that harder? Who knows. After the appt, we flew to pick up our kids from school. The boys were amazing. Like as if none of the last hour had just happened. Life was the same. They gave me the best possible hugs any mom would need or want. I was so extra thankful for all three of them at that moment. What would I have done without them? The house would’ve been too quiet. Too sad. Too alone. I was SO thankful to have them. And of course, I am even more so now. 

In the following days, I did a little research and apparently this is called a “missed miscarriage”.  

Since I have no physical systems, I would not have known I lost the baby. If I didn’t go to the doctor, I would still think I was pregnant. The scary/sad thing about the Missed Miscarriage is you otherwise think everything is okay. Your belly is growing, you may feel nauseated and sick, and each test may have come back perfectly fine. I mean, for Jim and I, we heard the heartbeat at 5 weeks! Super early. There were also adorable ultrasound photos. 

To us, he was perfect. ❤️

Info on Missed Miscarriage:

https://www.verywellhealth.com/missed-miscarriage-symptoms-treatment-and-coping-5189858

This is me explaining it all to my Mom…

I am so utterly thankful for these guys - they give me purpose, love, happiness, and everything I need to get me through this unsettling time right now. 

Here I am spending time with my niece and nephews to stay busy and distracted. 

SO MANY TEARS. 

Yet so much happiness at the same time….

Life continues to roll on regardless of how you are feeling emotionally or physically.  Immediately after finding out, Jim and I picked up all three boys from school. We then went right to the Woburn Country Club for the twins golf practice and then right to the grocery store to pick up our online grocery order. It was almost comical how life just kept going on - like nothing was happening. There was no time to go home and process.  I wanted to stop everyone in the parking lot and say “don’t you know what’s happening????”  Obviously I didn’t. 

 

That weekend, I met up with my sister in law Theresa to go apple picking in Stow. We went to Honey Pot. The boys loved it. I wanted, NEEDED, their lives to stay as normal as possible. I didn’t want to stay in bed and cry. I needed to get up, get dressed, and be the Mom they needed. 

We have received so many beautiful flowers from so many amazing friends and family. We also received food, treats, cards and notes. Thank you all for the calls and text check-ins. It has been truly appreciated.  Our support system is incredible and we are so, so grateful. 

These are the meds I started 24 hours before surgery (box), and then 60 minutes before surgery (bottle). They made me cramp quickly and made me very, very uncomfortable. Very quickly. 

On the left I am 16 weeks with the twins, in the middle I am 16 weeks with cal, and 16 weeks with baby boy #4 on the right. 

I had surgery at Winchester Hospital on Thursday Oct 14.  It was day surgery.  I got home about 7pm.  The boys slept at my mom and dads and they brought them to school the next day. I told the boys I was going to the hospital. I said the baby was sick and “we might not have a baby”.. They were sad - especially the twins. It was very hard to explain it to them simply because I did not understand it myself. 

We still talk about the baby, a little less than before, and I physically do not look pregnant anymore. I think it’s more “out of sight, out of mind” at this point. For them - not for me. 

We were fortunately able to get handprints and footprints, and the hospital made us a nice keepsake book. Winchester was great. They made sure I was comfortable and they let Jim stay with me as much as possible - after all, it is his baby too. 

Wishing I didn't need to write this post but if it helps just one other family, it will be nice.  

All for now,

Shaz